CYBERSPEW ....the latest odd,funny and Irreverent news items from around the world..You can'r make this stuff up!!!!.
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Reality check?
Blog Guy, I’m addicted to reality television. You name it, I’ll watch it. “Temptation Island,” “Dance Your Ass Off,” “Married by America,” “The Real Housewives of Schenectady”… I can’t get enough! I need to talk to you…
You know, I can get a restraining order against you in about five minutes, lady…
Listen! Since I can’t get my fill of reality programming in the States, can you direct me to some overseas shows? There’s NO reality show I won’t watch!
Then you should check out “Ultimate Young Imam.”
Cool! That sounds great! I always look for the words ultimate and young in the title. What’s it about?
Ten young men pitted against each other to become a Muslim religious leader.
What does the winner get? A million dollars? A recording contract?
He gets to study at a top Saudi Arabian Islamic university.
That’s all?
Of course not. When his studies are complete, he gets a position as a cleric in Kuala Lumpur.
Are you messing with me, Blog Guy?
No, I’m serious. This is the only overseas reality show I’m aware of. Oh, wait. There’s also “Top Nude Celebrity Fat Rich Cannibal Chef,” over in….
BLOG GUY! You’ve been holding out on me! Can I get past episodes on demand?
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Top: “Ultimate Young Imam” candidate, Asyraf, a contestant in a Malaysian reality TV competition to find the country’s best young Imam, rehearses ahead of the final in Kuala Lumpur, July 29, 2010.
Right: “Ultimate Young Imam” candidate, Hizbur, another contestant, rehearses ahead of the final.
REUTERS photos by Bazuki Muhammad
Don’t poke that shark in the eye, Lamar
As some of you know, a string of shark sightings in recent weeks has rattled swimmers in Massachusetts, and is evoking memories of the “Jaws” movie hysteria.
Officials in the Cape Cod town of Chatham have warned beach-goers to stay close to shore after “numerous” sightings of great white sharks.
The town is advising, on its Website, “If a shark is sighted, please get out of the water.”
WHOA! Slow down, I can’t take notes that fast. So you’re saying if I’m actually IN the water, and I see a great white shark, I should go ahead and get OUT, huh?
Thank the Lord I read this, because my plan had been to just avoid making eye contact with the thing.
Who on EARTH is that advice aimed at, and do we really care what happens to them?
Hell, it’s fine with me if somebody that stupid stands in the water wearing a bloody fish parts necklace and blowing a vuvuzela at the top of his lungs.
I have a cynical hunch this warning may be aimed at attracting as many stupid people as possible. They come, spend their vacation money and then they get eaten. It’s the life cycle.
Meanwhile, if you’re too young to remember the 1975 “Jaws” phenomenon, rent the DVD.
Or better yet, just listen to the soundtrack.
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Top: “Jaws” publicity photo
Right: “Jaws” poster
Eft, eft, eft wite eft…
Okay Colonel Johnson, thank you for appearing before the Senate Defense Committee with your blueprint for a strong military in our new breakaway republic.
Now, as I understand it, all of your emphasis is on strong teeth and good oral hygiene for our troops, is that correct?
Exactly, Senator. That’s why I called my document “The Gums of Navarone.” It’s crucial that each fighting man be able to carry a desk in his teeth, in case he needs to fill out a form or write home.
I see. But Colonel, why can’t they carry the desks with their hands?
They’re TROOPS! They need their hands free for their guns. You could say they need their hands for their arms, heh heh…
There’s no place for humor here, Colonel. Now, is it necessary to move these desks around, or couldn’t we have scattered ROOMS with desks, called OFFICES?
Yes, technically, if you want to be just like every other military, Senator.
Colonel, you propose using actual dentists to train the troops. What do you call this cadre of dentists?
Drill Instructors…
Sigh. You know what, Colonel, that’s it. This is too stupid, even for this blog, even for a Friday in July. You may take your plan and leave now.
But Senator! We haven’t mentioned choppers yet!
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Top: A Russian soldier carries a desk with his teeth during a ceremony celebrating Navy Day at the harbour of Russia’s far eastern city of Vladivostok, July 25, 2010. Russia marks its Navy Day on Sunday.
Left: A serviceman holds a desk by his teeth at a military show during the celebration of Defender of the Fatherland Day in Vladivostok, February 23, 2010.
REUTERS photos by Yuri Maltsev
When gifted bikini models need my help
Blog Guy, I work for a bikini modeling agency that hires only gifted models.
That must be fascinating. What’s the latest methodology for telling if a bikini model is gifted?
I know you’re not gifted yourself, Blog Guy, but are you really that stupid? Look at the pictures. We have brightly-wrapped GIFTS attached to our heads. That shows we’re gifted. There’s no mystery.
It’s that easy? I’m stunned. What’s the name of this agency for models with gifts on their heads?
It’s called Presents of Mind. Pretty clever, huh? And we don’t just model, we also sing.
Interesting. What kind of music do gifted bikini models with presents on their heads perform?
Wrap.
But I digress. Blog Guy, I need your help for a bikini model friend of mine, who has been falsely accused of a crime.
You’re sure she didn’t do it, huh?
Yes. As you can see, she was framed.
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Top and right: Models present creations by Spanish designer Aghata Ruiz de la Prada during the Colombiamoda fashion show in Medellin July 28, 2010.
Left: A model presents a creation by Colombian brand Maaji during the Colombiamoda fashion show in Medellin, July 28, 2010.
REUTERS photos by Fredy Amariles
The Decent Human Beings win one?
Blog Guy, it looks like you’re gloating about something.
You bet I am. The Catalonia region of Spain has just passed a ban on bullfighting, a barbaric activity which I have mocked repeatedly in my blog. I like to think my readers helped tip the balance.
Congrats, Blog Guy. So what were the main factions in the debate over there?
It was the Decent Human Being faction against the Pro-Torture and Cruelty faction.
Can you boil down the basic arguments of those two sides?
Sure. The Decent Human Beings felt that slowly torturing an animal to death while bloodthirsty imbeciles cheer in the stands has no place in the 21st century. As for the Pro-Torture and Cruelty faction, their side is so ridiculous it’s not even worth repeating.
Wait, Blog Guy, you owe us a fair representation of both sides. We deserve that.
Oh, okay. Our story quoted bullfighter Serafin Marin as saying, “It’s not a cruel show. Completely the opposite. It’s a show that creates art…”
You’re making that up, right?
It sounds made-up, doesn’t it? I swear it’s true.
But Blog Guy, the great writer Ernest Hemingway wrote about bullfighting, and saw honor and courage in the tradition!
Hemingway was a decent writer, but a deficient human. If there was a dumbass thing to do, he would do it. You can lead a very good life by simply being the opposite of that jerkwad.
I read that bullfighting is a huge part of Spain’s economy, with tickets earning many millions of euros a year. That’s going to hurt!
Hey, maybe it’s time the Spanish discover movies and cable television, like the rest of us.
And what about all the money made from selling those elaborate matador outfits?
Those silly costumes haven’t been banned. The soon-to-be-former bullfighters in Catalonia can still wear them to the supermarket, to play miniature golf or whatever, if they don’t mind the laughter.
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Top: Montage of Reuters bullfighter photos
Other photos: Spanish bullfighter Ruben Pinar adjusts his montera before the start of the third bullfight of the San Fermin festival in Pamplona, Spain, July 9, 2010. REUTERS/Joseba Etxaburu
Spanish matador Oliva Soto is tackled by a bull during a bullfight in The Maestranza bullring in Seville April 12, 2010. REUTERS/Marcelo del Pozo
A Spanish assistant bullfighter pokes his head out from behind the barrier during a bullfight in The Maestranza bullring in Seville April 2, 2008. REUTERS/Marcelo del Pozo
And here’s my chunderwear collection!
As I’ve complained here before, the problem with doing a humor blog for a news organization is that people often try to send me real news, which I usually just throw away.
But this week, collectwedo.com, a “social collecting” site for people with hobbies, told me about a guy who collects airline barf bags.
That’s right. You know those bags in the seat pocket in front of you on a plane, in case you need to hurl? Larry Greenstein, of San Diego, collects those.
I asked Larry some questions about his hobby, starting with whether the bags he collects are new or used. I was somewhat disappointed to learn he only goes for the new ones.
“I started collecting them because I found it fascinating that an airline would deliberately put their logo and brand on something so awful,” he explained. “It’s akin to naming a drug after a disease it’s intended to cure.”
I wondered if Larry himself had ever used a barf bag.
“I’ve been seasick but not airsick. Air or seasickness is about the worst sick feeling you can have – a great reason not to put your brand or logo on a barf bag,” he said.
One good thing about collecting barf bags is that you don’t have to go to a lot of big events and schmooze with others who collect the same thing you do. Larry said he’s not aware of others who share his interest. “Why would anyone want to collect barf bags? They’re disgusting.”
I avoided asking Larry how he displays his impressive collection, because I like to imagine he has made little seat pockets for the chairs in his house, with a bag in each one.
If anybody out there knows Larry, and you’re invited over to his house for dinner, plan to stop at a novelty shop on the way. I know a great practical joke you can play on him…
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Top and right: Barf bags from Larry’s collection.
Left: Cambridge crew members (L to R) Peter McClelland, George Nash and Geoff Roth celebrate after winning the 156th annual boat race between Oxford and Cambridge University on the River Thames in London April 3, 2010. REUTERS/Toby Melville
